Being a developer of an adult visual novel is definitely hard work (when you’re trying to make something of good quality). I’m sure there are devs out there who don’t put as much effort in, maybe just trying to get some attention or make money – and believe it or not, there are people who will follow people like that. I first discovered AVNs around 2018. I played several then found Melody by MrDots. I got so into that game that I nearly finished it in a single day. I loved the story and the choices. At the time, I was already writing short stories. So it inspired me to write a sequel. I got lucky and got in touch with MrDots, who put me in touch with his writer. The rest, as they say, is history. I sent what I had written and they liked it.
Fast-forward to mid-2019. A friend and I began to make a game (the original Last Human). I wrote it, he rendered it. After a few months, we actually got 30 minutes worth of gameplay and let a few people play it. It was well received. But, it would pretty much die right there. My friend was losing interest, had other issues going on in RL, etc… While I had been waiting to hear from him, I started coding the beginning of Serenity chapter 1. I learned to render images pretty much alone because most devs don’t have time to teach you, and there is little in the way of instruction out there. It was super hard and very frustrating trying to figure out how to make the graphics. Many of the story elements you see in Serenity were a direct reflection of how I was feeling while writing it. Rin’s fury form and Jasmine’s fire were my anger… the MC being forced to relive his Mom’s death was my depression. And comical moments were my way of trying to deal with it all.
Before I ever made a Patreon, I didn’t even consider the idea of asking for money in support of my project. I posted my first release of Serenity on F95. That was probably a huge mistake to start with, but I didn’t know. What followed was about 4 months of drama that nearly ended Serenity and my dream of working on AVNs completely. Few people understand what a solo developer deals with. You have no backup team to help, no one to lean on or get advice, and if you’re new to it, you’ve got no one that can help lead you in the right direction. Not only that, but I had faced the most hateful and humiliating direct messages and emails.
At that time, I had just opened my Patreon page. I was dealing with depression for a very long time and didn’t even realize it. I was constantly at odds with reviewers, people who posted in my game thread, and people in DMs. I actually stopped working on the game for one month. I read a message that said “there is no way you will ever be good at doing this – no one will ever like your games. So just stop.” I turned off my computer and walked away. I was done. By that time, I had started a discord server already. Toward the end of that month, the discord app on my phone dinged. I opened it up, and it was a message from the first person that joined my Patreon. He had read and heard about all the crap that was going on, and I had basically disappeared. What he said to me that day is what saved Serenity, and got me back to work on it.
Those early releases of Serenity were bad. Even I know that. I knew it even back then. But I was blown away that there were people who really loved it. Even though I had some positive feedback finally, I knew the game would need a lot of improvement. Plus, it had zero animations or any sound at all. Meanwhile, reviews were a mixed bag of praises, positives, and also negatives and condescending language. I just couldn’t grasp why people were being so rude about the whole thing. I constantly asked myself “why are they doing this? Why so much hate?” Still, to this day, I take that negative language very hard. I can’t help it. It really bugs me. I really don’t mind bad reviews. Creative criticism is something I thrive on. I have read those and taken action when they were actually writing normally and not like a jerk. It still happens today and I still let myself get hurt by that. Very recently, I replied to a comment on my Last Human F95 thread. The guy had just posted his review and also added some comments in the thread itself. I don’t normally face off with people over reviews, but I’d had enough.
Yeah, I went off on the guy. Sort of. I’m not the type of person to just go cursing at people for stuff, so my reply wasn’t THAT bad. But it turned into a nightmare. Someone else joined in. A few of my loyal followers posted comments on my side of the issue. That was nice of them. But today, I replied for the last time about it. It wasn’t worth it. And I know what you’re thinking – don’t let those people bother you Fire… just do your thing. Believe me, I do try to do that. But this is why it pissed me off so much. Aside from everything I’ve been through (explained above), I was basically being told that ‘he’ could speak his mind, and that I shouldn’t say anything. Why is that? Why can’t a dev defend himself? Defending yourself over a bad review and defending yourself over a humiliating bad review are two different things. I don’t care about the bad reviews when they aren’t humiliating and condescending.
So, after that fiasco… I decided today I’m not going to engage with anyone, at all, over any negative comments. In fact, I will probably not be participating as much on F95 anymore as well. There are some really good people over there. Piracy site or not, it is arguably one of the best places to find almost any adult game you’re looking for. So I’ll still share my public releases there. But I just can’t deal with the bad apples anymore and not being allowed to defend myself. I really need to just focus on making the visual novel I want to make – regardless of what a person says about it.
Well, now you know what I deal with daily. And it isn’t just on F95. I’ve had similar issues on patreon and itch as well. People ask for a certain kink like futa. I don’t do futa. I tell them “sorry, that isn’t my forte” and they keep going on about it. The only thing I can do is just stop replying. And I feel like I’m being rude, but what else can I do? That is just a small example.
It’s hard to believe how long it’s been since I started doing this. It feels like yesterday I was just starting Serenity. Over the course of five years, I’ve dealt with drama, hate, humiliation… I’ve lost three members of my family and one dear friend. Stress, depression… all while single handedly writing, coding, rendering, maintaining various websites, replying to people who message me, trying to keep in touch with my followers and be active. I still have days when I sit here and think: I don’t need this… any of it. But… I love Serenity and Last Human. And I love the ideas I have for more in the future. And hopefully, people will read this and have a better understanding of why I am who I am. I am always on fire.
Love you all, …N2TheFire
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